Friends, let me just TELL you about how this day is goin.

1. Woke up in the middle of the night in a giant puddle, and was instantly terrified I wet the bed. I mean seriously, I’m 29. I finally came to my senses and remembered I was icing my hip when I fell asleep. Ziploc advertising lies, FYI.

2. As I’m strapping on my shoes to hit the gym this morning, shooting pain rips through my back. Awesome, thought I was over that.

3. Spill an entire jar of bare minerals makeup. That shit ain’t cheap.

4. Discover, AS I’m walking out the door, a giant black smudge on my white pants.

5. Hit the grocery store to pick up salad for lunch. Who do I run in to? The ex who’s trying to be the current, but not really. I can’t even.

Is 8 am too early to spike my coffee?